Imaginary Cookbook: SASSY GAY FOOD--The Recipes Every Girl Needs from the Sassy Gay Friend Every Girl Needs

After my review of 100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know, I started to think of other cookbooks that could be marketed to women. Naturally, my mind jumped to Sassy Gay Friend, the man who leaps in to save literary and historical characters from their own folly. What would SGF make to wake the intervention-hungry world up?



MiO Mojito: Because why add kool-aid to water when you can add it to alcohol?

Stupid Bitch Bundt Cake: Real Housewives make bundt cake, and then they rub the other housewives' face in it.

What, what, what are you doing?! Risotto: You need a time out. Stand over the stove for an hour stirring rice and think about your life. Is this what you want?!? No, you want to eat risotto in a restaurant like a reasonable human being. Stop wasting your time!

Look at Your Choices Chicken: Girl, what is wrong with you? Do you not watch Martha Stewart? Put a sauce on that or something, unless you want to be choking on stringy chicken for the rest of your days! Do you want to be the stringy chicken girl??

Pity Party Pita: Boo-hoo! I'd feel sorry for myself too if all I had in the fridge was vodka, cat food, a package of 3-week-old bread, and a container of hummus. Look at your life, look at your choices. I think you're a 30-year-old woman who can't feed herself. For god's sake, take a cooking class and flirt with some chefs.

He Broke My Heart Blueberry Cobbler: Really?!? This is the guy were really planning to marry? He's been in jail 3 times! He should be kissing your feet that someone as good as you would even consider sleeping with him, and what does he do? Make you feel pathetic to give himself an ego boost. You can do better. Wake up!

Book Review: THE RUINS OF DETROIT by Yves Marchand and Romain Meffre

I have never been to Detroit, but of course there are things I associate with it--mainly Motown and cars. After reading this book, however, it will be difficult for me not hear the word Detroit and think of the crumbling ruins of capitalism and industrialization.

I first heard about this book from Natasha at 1330v. It's a photographic essay of a wide variety of abandoned buildings in the Detroit area in various stages of decay. Meffre and Marchand began photographing urban ruins in Paris, but with Detroit they hit a gold mine. This is more than just the few rotted-out buildings here and there that exist in every city; these are entire neighborhoods, abandoned as if the occupants just suddenly got up and left, with only the detritus of human existence--clothes, papers, books, toys--to acknowledge that these spaces were once occupied. It's like something straight out of I Am Legend.


The abandoned Michigan Station serves as the cover for the book.

The book is more than just pictures, though, it's the history of Detroit from its beginnings as a French fur trapper rendezvous, to its peak as the machining capital of the US, and the decline that began with white families moving to the suburbs, essentially strangling the city center. In the 1980s businesses began to leave Detroit and the ruins of today took shape; but the ruins themselves aren't confined to the city center or businesses--they include the older neighborhoods and suburbs of Detroit, as well. The place where the industry for which Detroit became known, cars, began in Highland Park, where Ford started his first assembly line and Woodward Avenue became the very first paved mile. Today Highland Park is more a ghost town than not, with some houses literally taken over by trees, and no city services. The photographs of the Highland Park police station, completely abandoned, show the floors littered with files of murder victims and evidence of the man who killed them--some of the creepiest photographs in a book full of eerie and creepy shots. As Meffre and Marchand put it, "Everything began and everything seems to be ending in [Highland Park]."

The photographs themselves are, on one level, very beautiful--the framing and color is so intriguing, capturing the texture and romance of something that many would probably consider an eyesore. But there's also a sadness to them, especially coming in the wake of recent financial troubles all over the world. One can't help but finish this book and wonder, Is the American dream dead?

As someone who lives in Colorado, I've seen my share of ghost towns. But those are little mining shacks out in the middle of nowhere, relatively small boom towns completely stripped of clues as to what its inhabitants were like. Detroit is an entire city, with paved roads and beautiful architecture, that hosted a lot of big dreams, most of which (judging by these photos) have literally gone to seed. Residents of US are so rarely confronted with signs that civilizations don't last forever, but one can't help but consider as one reads through this book that this this what all our cities are going to come to eventually.

This is not a happy book. You will not feel optimistic about the future of America after reading it. But it is an excellent book, one that will stick with you, and one I highly recommend.

Note: I made the book trailer, above, for my own amusement.

Weekend Cooking: 100 RECIPES EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW: ENGAGEMENT CHICKEN AND 99 OTHER FABULOUS DISHES TO GET YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE

I know what you're thinking right now: that's a long title. And also: everything you want in life?!? But you want so many things! Can food really get you all that? No, no it can't. Or can it????

Anyway, who cares, there's no harm in trying, right? *cough* Let's start with the recipe this book is built around: Engagement Chicken. Basically a lemon roast chicken, but with the added benefit/detriment (you decide) of making men fall in love with their stomachs... or you, the book doesn't really go into specifics. POINT IS, make this chicken for a guy, and bam! he'll ask you to marry him.

<--This is what I look like while cooking, fyi.

I had several issues with the centerpiece recipe of this book, mainly because it was just way too general. How many people have roasted chickens in their lifetimes? Not me. Even one of the Glamour editors who tried this recipe said she had no idea what giblets were (which definitely puts these recipes in a new light). Yet the book never actually explains what giblets are, or has any technical instructions at all. Are they contractually obligated not to say, "Yo, giblets are..." whatever they are? Because if YOU wondered what giblets were, it's a fair bet that your readers might, too. Also, I'm pretty sure roasting a chicken involves some sort of tying of the chicken legs. I'm not exactly sure why or how this is done, but I clearly remember a French guy doing it on Anthony Bourdain. Yet does the recipe mention anything about tying chicken legs together? Nope. So if you were a newbie cook who'd never roasted a chicken before, you'd just plop that sucker into a roasting pan and who knows what might happen!

The rest of the recipes--i.e., recipes from Glamour that they renamed to fit in with the theme of the book--are a mixed bag. I skipped the breakfast and drinks sections, because I don't mix drinks and I sure as hell don't make breakfast. There are a few must-tries, like "Perfect Host Lobster Pie," which sounds like it's ridiculously easy to make and incredibly decadent at the same time (love that concept); and "Complexion Soup," which is really just a carrot soup. But then there are other recipes like "Broke and Fabulous Grilled Cheese." In case you're wondering, yes, it is just bread and cheese grilled.

My favorite two sections of the book were "Sides" and "Cheap & Easy Meals." Who doesn't need creative ideas for side dishes? I'm always buying something that I think will be great, like brussel sprouts, and then wondering what to do with them. The sides section contains a "Kitchen Basics" insert that has five recipes for vegetable sides, plus four recipes for toppings you can use on any veggie. In fact, the inserts are definitely the best part of the book--they cover things like basic pasta sauces, $5 chicken dinners, and making the perfect cheese plate.

I think overall this is a pretty good cookbook, although the packaging just bothers me. I know it comes from Glamour, which is a woman's magazine, but did they have to market it soooo aggressively as a cookbook for women??? What if I want a guy to make Engagement Chicken for me to convince me to accept his proposal? No guy is going to pick this book up. This gives me a sad. Also, there's this strange dichotomy between a circa-1950s assumption that women are the ones who cook in a relationship ("Let's not forget the cook's needs when we're thinking about the guy's needs!" "Get the man in your life to make this for you--the recipe is that easy." Are you freaking kidding me right now, Glamour?), and the fact that it's obvious none of the editors of Glamour actually live like this (prima facie evidence, the editor who didn't know what giblets were). Do they think the women "in the middle," living between LA and NYC, do? Because that's... kinda dumb.

Anywhosie, despite that, the recipes in the book are worth checking out. I think this would be a great cookbook to give to anyone who's starting out in their first kitchen. And if it's a guy, well... I guess you could just copy them down for him?

Weekend Cooking is hosted by Beth Fish Reads and is open to anyone who has any kind of food-related post to share: Book (novel, nonfiction) reviews, cookbook reviews, movie reviews, recipes, random thoughts, gadgets, fabulous quotations, and photographs.

Movie Review: THE TOURIST

First released: 2010
Starring: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany, Rufus Sewell, Timothy Dalton
Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Based on: the 2005 film, Anthony Zimmer

The gorgeous Elise lives in Paris, where she is constantly watched by police due to her connection to international criminal, Alexander Pearce. One day while having her typical tea and croissant (tea, because she is British), she receives a letter from Alexander with these instructions: board the 8:22 train in the Gare de Lyon and pick someone of his height and build. Make the police believe that someone is Pearce.

Elise picks Frank, a math teacher from Wisconsin. Apparently Frank has never seen North by Northwest, or he'd know talking to beautiful women on trains is a very bad idea. As it is, however, Frank is gobsmacked by the fact that Elise honoring him with her presence. Once the train reaches its destination, though--ah, Venice!--Frank realizes he's in serious danger and Elise starts to question Pearce's willingness to embroil an innocent in his cat-and-mouse games.


Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou...

This movie is FABULOUS. If you like any of the classic romantic suspense films like Charade, North by Northwest, How to Steal a Million, etc., then this is definitely right up your alley. The costumes are gorgeous, the locations are romantic, and there's plenty of mistaken identity, bad guys shooting, and double-crossing to keep the plot moving.

By far the greatest strength of the film though, is the acting. I'm not a huge Angelina Jolie fan, but she really impressed me in this movie. When the story starts out, Elise seems almost cartoonishly unapproachable, but Jolie gives her depth--she's not just eye candy; she's vulnerable and smart. I also loved Johnny Depp as Frank--he's so charming and funny, and I could totally see him as a "cool" math teacher.

As for the setting, to be honest I don't think the filmmakers took much advantage of it. Yes, it's Venice, and it's gorgeous, but 80% of the scenes are indoors. And while those interiors are gorgeous, they could be located in any posh European city. There's no art, no decor, to give one the sense of a specifically Venetian atmosphere. Paris was much better utilized as a setting--but then Paris was also entirely exteriors.

That's really a minor quibble to the whole movie, though, which just great escapism. I definitely recommend it for a mini-staycation!

THE HYPNOTIST by MJ Rose

Synopsotist:

FBI Art Crime agent Lucien Glass is trying to crack down on Malachi, who specializes in past life regression (this plot is continued from the previous books in the series, which I haven't read). Meanwhile, some other people want to steal a chryselephantine statue from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and so does this other person, who instead of just stealing it hatches an elaborate plot involving stolen artwork that they use to bribe the Met into surrendering the statue of Hypnos. Then there are explosions. Somehow, everything intersects.

Reasons Why You Might Enjoy This Book:

1. You like strange names. Instead of being named Richard or John or Scott, or something you would expect an FBI agent to be named, the FBI agent here is named Lucien. As if he's a brooding bad boy from a Regency romance novel. In fact, no one in this book has a normal name; even Lucien's first love is named Solange--SOLANGE, are you freaking kidding me?!?
2. You find foreigners to be suspicious. All the baddy bad guys in this novel are foreigners. In addition, an overwhelming percentage of them appear to be from the Middle East. So that's not stereotyping at all.
   
3. You have a less-than-rudimentary grasp of the law. Um, yeah, the whole thing with Lucien investigating the murder of his one twu love would totally happen. And also the thing with the hypnotism. And also being called to a scene before the local authorities.
   
4. You love it when a new character is introduced every five pages. After about the quarter mark this starts getting reeeally annoying.
5. You enjoy looking shit up. Don't know what a chryselephantine statue is? Have fun on wikipedia, kids, because the author doesn't explain it. Does she know? Does it matter?
   
6. You like Dan Brown's novels, but the writing is a little too edgy and deep for you. The way this author phrases things is SO CHEESY, I could hardly believe I was even reading it. "Taghinia smiled as he opened his humidor, extracted a Cuban, rolled it in his fingers, listened to its music, cut off the tip, and set about lighting the stinking weed." Mmmkay. "His arms ached to hold her, hold on to her and keep her with him, keep her safe."!11!! *gaggyface*

Sooo, you really want to read this book now, don't you? Yes you do, just admit it! Luckily for you, I haz a contest. Voila! It's even open internationally if you're willing to accept the book in eFormat (PDF).

Book Review: FLIRTING WITH FOREVER by Gwen Cready

Proposed alternate titles: Bumbling into Bernini, A Lay with Lely



Cameron is trying to get a book about Van Dyke published (because god knows the world needs another one of those) so she can become the director of a museum. Problem: her publisher wants her to "sex it up." But how to come up with these gossipy stories about Van Dyke? Answer: make them up! And also: travel back in time and sleep with another painter who met Van Dyke twice!

I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "That doesn't make sense." You are correct. Why didn't Cameron sleep with Van Dyke? It just worked out that way. She was sent to sleep with the time period of Peter Lely, the official English court painter after Van Dyke. And she and Lely have awesome sex and then she comes back to the present--how I don't know--yet still insists on writing a biography of Van Dyke; then Peter travels to the present and becomes a modern artist. And that's just the first half! I would expand on the plot some more, but trust me when I say it's not worth it.

Despite the nonsensical plot--I mean, it's a time travel romance, so what do you expect?--my two main problems with this book were Cameron and the writing. Cameron was the dumbest heroine I've encountered in a long-ass time. Her idea of original research is doing a book search on Amazon. To fact-check herself, she goes to wikipedia. When she realizes she's going to have to back up her "research" with documents, she instead just decides to say it's all made up! And her version of art appreciation is any painting that makes her wet. I am not kidding. Honestly, the idea that a person like this would ever be a curator at a major museum, let alone the director of it, is galling. And if she's an academic, I'm Happy Pants McGee.

Furthermore, don't EVEN get me started on the writing. Oh lordy! There were moments when I was just like, "WTF please stop!!! My eyes, they are bleeding!" Basically any attempt by the author to describe a piece of art was hi-lariously awful. But beyond that (art descriptions are usually pretty painful, anyway, so I just skim over them), there were times when this book did not make sense because it was trying way too hard to be poetic. For example, Peter is described thusly: "The gentlest crurve of cheek hung by the corners of his mouth, a signal of middle-age in an artist unafraid of such trivialities." LOLwat? His cheek was hanging off his face? That sounds a little more than trivial. At one point Cameron's thighs were described as amorphous white blobs and her nipples like bas-relief sculpture. NEED I GO ON???

All that being said, I did finish the book, and in one day (there's no way I would have spent more than a day on it). I think it comes down to the fact that this is every art historian's dream! Honestly, do you know how many times I've imagined what it would be like to meet Giorgio de Chirico or Manet in person? Too many times. And Cameron actually gets to do it--of course, the opportunity is wasted on her because she's a dumbass, but whatever.

Another thing I liked about this book was Peter Lely. He was a great character and really the only thing that kept me reading. His regret over and struggle to right past wrongs in his life made him the most believable and sympathetic person in a book filled with shallow, selfish idiots. Another character I liked was Jeanne, Cameron's assistant, because she used her brain instead of her vagina to make decisions. Hooray for non-crotch-based decision making!

So, right. Why did I read this? I don't even know anymore. It was a train wreck, but of the fun escapist kind. Even if it drove me bat-shit crazy.

Musical Notes: "Breakin' Up" by Rilo Kiley

Weekend Cooking: Making a Soufflé

This week, I suddenly became obsessed with making a soufflé. Why? I don't know. I had never actually eaten a soufflé before, but I decided had to make one. (Note: If you can't see the imbedded video, click here. I apologize for the poor sound quality and the watermark; apparently that's what happens when you try to convert wmv files to mpeg4 using freeware. My camera man had the day off. ;)

As we all know from classic movies, soufflés are difficult to make. I decided to try Alton Brown's recipe for a basic cheese soufflé. A soufflé is basically egg yolk batter mixed with egg white foam, to make it fluffy. Because the egg foam is unstable and incompatible with egg yolk (kind of like water and vinegar), making a souffle is technically difficult.

It took me over an hour to make the three mini-soufflés, but I think they turned out pretty well. They were tasty, and actually all that work was kind of worth it. That being said, I think having someone make a soufflé for you is the better part of valor. :)

What's the most difficult thing you've ever tried to cook or bake?

Weekend Cooking is hosted by Beth Fish Reads and is open to anyone who has any kind of food-related post to share: Book (novel, nonfiction) reviews, cookbook reviews, movie reviews, recipes, random thoughts, gadgets, fabulous quotations, photographs.